RICE, Wash. (AP)―Following a tip from an informant, federal agents converged on the tiny town of Rice, Wash., Tuesday, as a local woman known as “The Rowdy Baker” was arrested for baking and selling marijuana-laden cookies to Golden Years, a nearby geriatric care facility.
Marijuana use became legal in Washington in 2012, but the federal government does not officially recognize the new law.
Drug Enforcement Administration agent Richard Head said, “We can’t have her distributing drugs to the elderly; those old folks are easily led astray. It’s a gateway drug, and there’s no telling where it could go from there. The seniors start eating her sugar cookies to help them sleep, and before you know it the old farts are selling them at the elementary school.”
When searched by DEA agents, Golden Years yielded no contraband cookies. The owner of the facility, Bud Fatty, claimed no knowledge of the special cookies. Staff and residents were not available for comment, as they were all either asleep or in the meal hall at the time.
Confidential sources report that a senior citizen rally is planned for tomorrow at the courthouse, demanding The Rowdy Baker’s release. Local hospitals report a sudden surge in admissions with severe symptoms of anxiety and depression. An orderly at the Rice Medical Clinic was injured when two elderly patients fought over a spider plant in the waiting room.
When reached for comment The Rowdy Baker, shocked by the allegations, said, “I didn’t do it! At least I don’t remember doing it.”
The Rowdy Baker, also known as Lorinda McKenna, has been under the scrutiny of the Rice Police Department for months. She has been reported to local authorities several times this year, after neighbors caught glimpses of her tending her crops topless.
One neighbor agreed to speak under strict anonymity.
“It’s disgusting,” the neighbor reported. “She goes out there without a shirt on and thinks we can’t see her! If I put my spotting scope on the edge of my porch I get an eyeful, and let me tell you―it’s nothing to write home about!” The neighbor provided photographic proof of his allegations.
Russell “Russhole” McKenna, The Rowdy Baker’s husband, was brought in for questioning but was later released when he claimed, “I don’t know nothing about it. You never know what that nutcase is going to do next!”
The couple’s three children have declined to comment.
Animal Rescue was alerted to the possibility that pets in the Rowdy Baker household could be at risk and are evaluating current conditions. At Russell McKenna’s insistence they are putting two cats up for adoption that he claimed “are total stoners”, though he assured authorities that the dog and nineteen chickens were completely drug free.
“Proper action will be taken” assured Ima Biddy, coordinator of the rescue shelter. She collected a large baggie of what appeared to be catnip for extensive testing.
Helicopters hovered over the McKenna’s twenty-acre compound where locals lined the unpaved road, watching as officers confiscated armloads of green matter.
Neighboring farmer Steve Floyd said, “Those city boys just got themselves a big pile of tomato plants, but I sure ain’t tellin’ them bastards.”
A friend and neighbor of The Rowdy Baker said, “They’re not looking in the right place. She cans and freezes everything. I wondered why all that bear lard in her freezer was green. Losing her cookie profit is going to really hurt, because their roadside stand doesn’t do too well.”
Neighbors report that as The Rowdy Baker was being wrestled into the squad car she shrieked loudly, “I’m freakin’ Pollyanna, you idiots! I just want everyone to be happy!”
Because of the actions of the DEA, there is no happiness to be found in Rice today.
I have never wanted a special cookie more than I do now after reading this. I read the entire thing with a smile on my face and thoroughly enjoyed your “arrest.” I loved loved loved loved how you set up your jokes (ie – neighbor with scope and pictures). I cannot wait for your next piece. Great job you pot smoking hippie.
I really enjoyed this piece and felt that it was very well written. It flowed well and didn’t get overly wordy or too drawn-out. Excellent work.
Ha! Your husband giving up the cats for adoption made me laugh out loud–my husband would give my cat away in an instant, and would not hesitate to bring up her excessive catnip habit when he did it. I thought this was very imaginative and funny, and I really enjoyed reading it!
–Crazed In The Kitchen
Nice job. Read just like an newspaper article. I love that you sold spiked sugar cookies to the elderly, although I was kind of waiting for you to hit someone over the head with your rolling pin.
–Ice Scream Mama
This was very on target for me! I really loved it. The humor that you aimed for was successful, it was in a great, flowing format, and the pictures were an awesome touch. I found myself laughing out loud at some of the the statements such as “fighting over a spider plant.” This had great imagery and was HIGHLY entertaining. Great job!