Fly on the Wall – September

Fly on the Wall

Places, everyone! Um…watch out for that spider! I recommend staying up high on the wall, out of swatting reach but not in the corners where you’ll get tangled in the cobwebs. Now stop buzzing for a minute and listen!

Every month a group of bloggers gives you a glimpse of what you would see and hear if you were a fly on the wall in their homes. You’ll hear things that most people aren’t privy to, either because they aren’t important enough to be blog-worthy or because they’re inappropriate and potentially embarrassing. Don’t turn your little fly nose up at that; we KNOW what you like to eat outside! After you’ve skimmed through read my post, please click on the links at the bottom and check out the other 13 bloggers. See what they’ve been up to! fly1gifcropped September is my very favorite month. Would you care to guess why? Nope – I’m past the kids-back-to-school stuff. Huh uh, I don’t wear yoga pants. Nah, it’s too early for hot buttered rums! Give up? THE MAN GOES HUNTING!

For the small price of a two-day baking and cooking marathon, I get to send him and all the goodies out the door (buh bye!) for a week or more. Blessed silence! The whole bed! No cooking! This.Is.My.Time.

In theory. In reality, I actually got 4 days because my youngest son (“Lord Voldemort”) showed up, with a U-haul trailing behind him. He’s decided to move over to our side of the mountains. I love him dearly, but chaos sort of has a way of following him. You’ve been hanging out on the wall, so you know what I mean!

He settled in and then went out elk hunting with his beautiful big traditional bow that his brother made for him. Packing and driving over here had left him seriously tired. I’m pretty sure there was a hangover involved there, too. He scorns tree stands, just puts on a lot of camoflage and tries to blend in. Luckily he doesn’t scorn revolvers, becaue lying on the ground in a peaceful forest made him groggy, and he started dozing. He woke up just in time to see a pair of furry brown ears coming his way over a fallen tree and had a few seconds to abandon the big bow and draw his 44. He shot the bear at 8 feet.

Now, maybe he could have scared it off – but there sure wouldn’t have been time for a Plan B! So…he tagged the bear and brought it home. Don’t worry – I won’t post pictures. Except, here I am rendering bear fat.

Eeeeeuw. Rendering the bear fat.

Eeeeeuw. Rendering the bear fat.

It’s not a fun process, but it’s worth it to me. I use it in all kinds of things. The next night I made a chicken pot pie with a bear fat crust. Here’s a link to my Chicken Pot Pie recipe. I’m guessing you’ll be using shortening!

Chicken pot pie with bear fat crust!

Chicken pot pie with bear fat crust!

fly1gifcropped Did you know that bears have penis bones (or baculums)? It’s okay, I didn’t know that either. They do, and here’s the picture of one to prove it:

Lucky bears (well not this one!) have penis bones.

Lucky bears (well not this one!) have penis bones.

Here’s how the whole bear penis bone thing went:
Lord V: “Mom, would you boil this down while I’m butchering?”
Me: What is it?
Lord V: “It’s the penis bone.”
Me: “And you want me to put that thing in one of my pots and boil it on my stove? Not happening.”
Lord V (in his best wheedling tone): “Please? I’m really busy.”
Me: “So am I, and HELL NO!”
Lord V: “But it’s hollow. You can use it as a straw.”

Here is a guy who can argue the crutches away from a one-legged man, and this was his best argument??? Bleh.

I have researched this baculum thing and find that monogamous creatures are less inclined to have these bones. Who the heck thought THAT was a good idea? Rotten deal, if you ask me. Just sayin’. fly1gifcropped I’d never eaten bear, and was understandably leery. I’m now a fan. It was delicious – just like a very tender beef pot roast. Honest! We had bear stew the next night. (So much for my no-cooking-eat-M&Ms-in-bed-ME-TIME!) Then The Man got home from hunting and the guys had bear fat biscuits and gravy for breakfast and bear stroganoff for dinner. And there is now double the chaos and noise. fly1gifcropped Chickens are molting so the eggs are getting scarce. But HOLY COW, some of them are doing their best to show me they’re not ready for the stew pot yet. Would you look at this?



fly1gifcropped In a moment of self-indulgence after The Man went hunting and before Lord V showed up, I may have sampled this – in the name of research, of course.

Apple Syrup Martinis

Apple Syrup Martinis

My Yummy Northwest column for September was all about apples, and the apple syrup recipe is one I got from the gal who cuts my hair. I’m finding all kinds of wonderful uses for it. In this case, just put a little syrup in the martini glass, add vodka, and stir. Or, yes, you could put it in one of those shakers with some ice and shake. Either way – delightful!fly1gifcropped And because I can’t end any Fly on the Wall post without poking fun at my husband, and because I can NOT resist telling tales that I’ve been forbidden to tell, I will spill my guts about something that happened in the shop.I wasn’t actually in the shop (thank goodness) when this moment occurrred. The Man and his friend Greg were out there sitting in their chairs and talking like a couple of old coots. Lord V and I were in the kitchen. There was a very loud, weird-sounding gunshot and I jumped and possibly said something very bad.

Mr. Cautious was showing his friend the new gun Lord V bought and somehow forgot the first rule of gun safety. CONSIDER EVERY GUN LOADED!!! He shot a hole through the roof of the metal building. It’s a small hole, easily patched, but scary nonetheless. The Man was horrified and sheepish at the same time, because he is always so careful!

I will be using this scenario frequently, trust me. Can’t you hear it? He’ll be saying something like “You parked the car too close to the garage door” and I’ll say “At least I didn’t shoot a hole through the roof.” Oh yes, this is my ace in the hole. fly1gifcropped Buzz over to these awesome blogs!
Baking In a Tornado
Stacy Sews and Schools
Just a Little Nutty
Menopausal Mother
The Sadder But Wiser Girl
The Momisodes
Follow Me Home
Moore Organized Mayhem
Hypnotic Bard
Spatulas on Parade
Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others
Searching for Sanity
Writer B is Me

27 thoughts on “Fly on the Wall – September

  1. OMG, I know more about bear fat and private parts than I EVER thought I would. Trying to decide whether to laugh or gag. Ok, laugh wins. You are so damn funny. And with those amazing recipes (minus the bear fat for me, thanks) you are truly multi-talented.

  2. Beat penis bones. Could this not have been the title of your post? I never knew! It’s like one of those things you can’t unsee and maybe don’t want to forget. LOL
    Apple syrup martinis scream FALL time. I know what I’m drinking very soon in my, ahem, yoga pants πŸ™‚

  3. If you were closer I’d join you, Michele – sans the yoga pants! I do, however, have some lovely Spongebob pajamas. Or I could borrow my husband’s “My Name is Earl” pants. :p

  4. You just have to love it when the men hand over something you can use on them!! LOL
    You are a better lady than I! When the guys kill it, they clean it AND cook it. LOL My gag reflex kicks into overtime and I just can’t handle it.

    • That’s how I am with venison, Stacy. I can’t stand the smell, so I just pretend it doesn’t exist. If they want it, they have to cook it.

  5. Great post! A) penis bones are more common in non-monogamous creatures? Oh, I could go so many places with that one…. LOL. B) your pot-pie looks delish! C) Yeah, you’re set for life now that he’s shot a hole in the roof. You could get away with anything. Seacrest Out, now what I’m sayin’? Done and Done.

    • I guess the bones are for speedy action, Beth. (jump ’em and run) which kind of makes sense in a weird, perverted way. I wish I could un-learn this stuff!

  6. Thank you for a much need laugh this morning, I’m still chuckling πŸ™‚ Will Russ boot me the next time I get up to visit and happen to mention it? As for the “straw”, put it in D’s next drink πŸ˜›

    • It’s almost flavorless. Like Crisco, actually. By the time I render it (not fun eeeuw) and strain it, it’s all white and fluffy. Lard, basically. Honest!

  7. I’ll probably get booted before you have a chance to visit!
    I feel like the bear’s dignity has been compromised enough already, otherwise I’d take your advice.

  8. OMG!
    I had to call my girlfriend and report that a bear has a penis bone and demand she come read your post. πŸ™‚
    I knew you were extraordinarily talented but who knew you rocked the bear fat too! πŸ™‚
    I am beyond impressed and slightly concerned someone might use it as a straw.
    If so, we need pictures. πŸ˜‰
    This was awesome!

  9. If I’d known all I had to do to get new readers was to mention penis bones, I’d have done it long ago. Thanks for sending her my way!

  10. I filter it well, so it’s beautiful white lard. I freeze it in one pound bags. Some people can it, but I’ve never tried that. It stays good for a long time in the fridge, too. And I just made a big batch of bear soap! Forgot to put that in the Fly post.

  11. I’m going out with some friends tonight. Want to hear what I’m going to add to the conversation!? “Did you know that bears have a penis bone–well, at least the swinger bears do–and that if you boil it down, you can use it as a straw?” This is going to be epic! πŸ™‚

    Love this! Can’t wait to see what you post for Blogger Idol!!

  12. Pingback: Real Life Parenting meets The Rowdy Baker to become Rowdy Parenting

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